Contents of Page
We think that we know what we want, but that’s not necessarily the case. In fact we often have absolutely no idea what we’re doing but we come up with plenty of random things to make us think that we do. Here are signs that you want to dump her but for some reason you just haven’t realized it yet.
You’re trying to get her dump you.
If you’ve been acting out in extreme ways in an effort to piss her off, maybe you just want the relationship to be over but you haven’t gotten clear about it yet. You could also just be reacting out of a place of fear which can make us do weird things, and that’s something that you need to figure out if it is. But if you really think about it and it’s not resistance that you’re feeling towards a good thing, but rather you just don’t care, it’s a good sign that things might be on their way out.
The thing is that sometimes we don’t want to take responsibility for hurting someone, so we think that if we can get them to leave us instead then we can walk away free and clear because it’s on them. But that isn’t at all how it works, because if you’re acting in ways to get her to leave then you probably are already hurting her in the meantime.
The other aspect of this is that you might be trying to avoid the whole conversation part of the process. It seems like it would be easier to pull back and let her walk away then to verbalize what you’re actually feeling. This is a good sign that you should actually be verbalizing what you’re feeling, because you clearly have something to say. This is frightening because as mention before you might hurt someone. You have to take responsibility for doing that.
It’s also frightening because you might be afraid to look in and see what you’re really feeling, because when you do that sometimes it looks different than you thought it would. Sometimes you see your own fears, or where you’re the one who’s actually feeling hurt, and that can make you feel weak. But seeing those things isn’t what makes you weak, it’s the running away from them that does. It’s empowering to process and to communicate your truth with good intentions, and it’s disempowering to avoid it.
You’re picking fights about nothing.
Picking fight about nothing can be an effective way to begin a breakup. You might not have even realized that you were doing it, just that everything about her was suddenly driving you insane. Every couple is going to have some disagreements here and there, but there is a big difference between healthy communication to work things out and expressing anger that’s directed at another person.
It’s never fair to attack people out of nowhere about anything, whether it’s a real issue in the relationship or not. You know that when you go after someone in an aggressive manner they will respond defensively, so why do you do it? So that their defensive manner can be pointed out as something that’s wrong with them, and then that can go on and on into a huge fight about nothing. It’s just never going to be the right way to communicate, so if you know that you’re doing it you should think about why. It might be that you’re over it and you’re trying to get her to cause a problem so that you have a concrete reason to dump her. If that’s the case just man up and do it, if you really want out then you don’t need a reason besides the fact that you just don’t have feelings for her or it isn’t working in your life right now. Don’t try to make it seem like it’s something that she did, that’s not healthy for her healing process.
The goal is to leave people better than we found them, which doesn’t mean that people get to cross our boundaries, but that we know when to go and do it in peace so that the situation remains peaceful as well. If other people react it doesn’t mean that you need to.
An alternate reason that you’re picking fights might have to do with the fact that there are issues that have gone unresolved for too long and you don’t know the right way to talk about them. They’re bottling up. That’s a great thing to realize, but knowing that will give you the opportunity to deal with them in more constructive ways. It takes some awareness to figure it out, but it’s worth it. When you approach something with honesty and awareness it’s way more likely that you’re going to be able to get what you want out of the situation than when you’re trying to manipulate people into giving it to you.
You’re leaving her out of your current and future plans.
This might start small, like not inviting her to a work party that you generally would, but you also might recognize in the fact that you haven’t factored her into her decision to apply for a job that could relocate you to another town. Being in a relationship requires making certain decisions and sacrifices together, or at least being able to communicate about them. If you’ve started doing this without even noticing why it might be a sign that you’re already starting to move past the relationship even though you haven’t left it yet. Is there a part of you that hopes she just gets the picture and lets you walk away without too much conflict?
We’re all entitled to our time apart from our significant others, it’s actually incredibly important to keep out own lives going outside of our relationships. But in a healthy relationship it would obvious when that was the case, since it wouldn’t leave the other person wondering why they weren’t invited to something that they would have liked to be a part of.
If you’re cheating you know that there’s a chance that you might get caught, so why are you doing it? Because on some level you don’t care if she finds out? This might be self sabotage, it might be arrogance, it might be a play for power, it might be plain mean. Mistakes do happen, and if you slipped up once and freaked the F out about it because you realized that you didn’t want to lose the person than that’s one thing. But if you’re carrying on an affair knowing that it’s wrong that’s a totally different thing. Why bother?
It’s possible that you’re doing that because you actually want to get caught. If you got caught cheating, your girlfriend would probably break up with you, which wouldn’t require much of you besides packing up your things and leaving. But if you already know that you want to leave that’s a cowardly option, and it not only puts your girlfriend in that crappy situation, but it involves another woman. Whether she was privy to the situation or not, it creates a web of chaos that is at its core pretty problematic, and the opposite of leaving better than we found them.
Sometimes it does take some acting out for people to figure out what they really want. We aren’t perfect, we’re humans. But it is a good idea to pay attention to your behavioral changes in a relationship so that you can realize why they’re occurring. You might be able to come to an awareness that helps you and everyone else move on before even more damage is done.